by Tom Bartlett

Note from our Editor: Tom Bartlett is a great writer and we’re glad he’s part of the FBB writing family. But before you read him you should be warned that he has a wicked sense of humour and he’s not afraid to use it. With Tom you can assume that whatever he says, he means the exact opposite. Which seems appropriate to us. In this crazy upside-down world, his skewed perspective may be exactly what’s needed to enable us to see things right-side up. So, having been forewarned, we encourage you to put on your reverse-vision goggles and enjoy a refreshing blast of Bartlett satire.

As a Christ-follower, I’ve been guilt-tripping over the privileges afforded me simply because of my religious faith. After all, having a two-tiered system of protection for Christianity seems unchristian, and doubly so since it’s a known fact that secularism enjoys no Charter protections. I say it’s high time my tribe relinquished our privileged status and began to lobby for rights redistribution. In other words, our oppressive religious patriarchy should move to the back of the bus and finally learn something about the oppressive conditions in which unbelievers have been forced to live. You can read the following suggestions as my olive branch to the secular community.

1. Our education system should be flipped immediately. The evidence clearly shows that Christian private schools are cheaper, and students come out better educated. And that’s a problem. Somehow the Christians are receiving an unfair advantage. To guard against Christian privilege, the curriculum should be transformed so that STEM subjects (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) will no longer be mired in social justice propaganda, and arts courses will be conducted with a semblance of coherence. Rather than face the soft prejudice of diminishing academic standards and expectations, atheists will be treated to the same level of respect for their intellect by teaching them how to think instead of what to think. Atheists will be taught that their lives have purpose and meaning and should be lived in the light of ultimate truth. There will be no more “just so” stories of a world creating itself and all life coming into being through multiple miracles made possible by nothing more than time and chance. 

Change is always difficult and therefore should be introduced gradually. Initially slut walks will be reduced to no more than two a month, and there will be budget cuts for such extra-curricular activities as Che Guevara Day festivities. Attendance at Gay Pride events will no longer be mandatory. Eventually, English assignments will not be required to fit on the wokeness spectrum, and cogency and logic will again be permitted even where such traditional thinking violates state-approved standards. Also, the teaching of character and morals will be introduced in place of feminist and gender study courses.

Admittedly, this will be difficult for many students’ parents to accept. So, in order to honour their pro-choice convictions, atheists will be permitted to go to private schools if they can afford it after being forced to fund the public Christian school option. Long-term, the goal is for the private and public programs to become largely indistinguishable, except the free public Christian schools will offer Bible studies, chapel services, and apologetics programs. 

2. Secularists will participate in the fight against man-made moral climate change. Since we know secularists believe that paying taxes fixes all ills, in future they will see their taxes raised to address the declining moral state of our country. Monies collected will go into the coffers of the churches who will then choose the best way to spread the wealth to address the apocalyptic moral collapse that will subsume us in a few years if we don’t act now. Efforts to reduce the hedonism footprint will encourage self-restraint and promote altruism. Men will be taught healthy masculinity, to respect women, and to act toward others with honour and integrity. Women will be advised on how to respect themselves, withstand social pressure, and to recognise their true worth and value their femininity. 

3. Abortion businesses will be freed to expand choice even further. Knowing that choice is central to the hearts of all secularists, the barriers Christians unjustly threw up to restrict women’s freedoms will be removed. Moreover, it will be the government’s policy to make certain that every choice is an informed choice. Teens will have access to parental consent, whether they want it or not, and access to ultrasounds and waiting periods will be introduced to ensure that women undergoing crisis pregnancies never endure the indignities of deceptive presentations and high-pressure sales pitches. Maternity homes and adoption will be actively promoted, and not selfishly restricted by Christian gatekeepers. All abortuaries will post signs that read, “Babies killed here. For non-lethal alternatives, please contact your local Crisis Pregnancy Centre at the number listed below.” No longer will the opponents of choice carry the day.

4. Sex-education, marriage and parenting courses. Common sense and numerous longitudinal studies have proven beyond doubt that having an absentee father is the greatest predictor of childhood poverty, sexual and physical abuse, gang involvement, criminal activity, school dropouts, drug and alcohol addiction, and early sexual activity. Therefore, in the hope of gradually eliminating conservative households, a patriarchical lifestyle will be forbidden to Christians, while male and female non-believers will be required by law to live together in complete family units. Children as young as Kindergarten will be shown ultrasound images of babies in utero. Over time, they will be told about the abortion epidemic impacting Canada, quickly moving on to images of abortions, and eventually being granted opportunity to directly observe abortions firsthand. This is necessary since current sex-ed programs have demonstrated so well that graphic content is the best way to protect children’s innocence and virtue. Young men and women will be treated like adults and taught that they have a duty to ensure that all children feel wanted.

5. The right to private expression of non-faith. Knowing that the best way to protect individual rights and freedoms is to keep them private, atheists will experience the liberating euphoria of living out their ideology within the confines and safety of their homes. To safeguard these important privileges, public support for secular values will be forbidden. This includes social media, which will help secularists in their pursuit of personal freedom by blocking, shadow banning, public shaming, doxing (exposing an individual’s private information to the public such as addresses and phone numbers) and shutting down their accounts should their social justice beliefs be aired on media platforms. As Christians have learned by bitter experience, this out-of-the-box thinking is actually a blessing in disguise and in no way violates personal freedoms. The teaching of Christian doctrine will be mandatory and partaking in the sacraments of the Christian faith will also be made available to help guard secularists from having their rights violated. Courts and human rights tribunals will act in the secularist’s interests by punishing any who stray from the sacred right to keep their opinions to themselves.

6. Control of entertainment and media. Given how uniting and empowering it has been for Christians to be locked out of Hollywood, as well as the brown-listing of Christian and conservative actors, writers, etc., Hollywood will be placed in the hands of the Christian community. Secularists will enjoy the bracing experience of engaging in an uphill battle to bring a film into the public by raising funds in the face of hostile opposition. Similarly, the CBC will lose its government funding so that it will no longer be a lapdog for “the man.” Mother Corp will be forced to generate income through advertising, private donors, car washes, etc. as this is known to be the fast-track to genuine empowerment. 

This is merely the tip of the iceberg when it comes to expanded secular rights and freedoms. I have other ideas such as designated secular free-speech zones, university student body policies that permit Christian-only campus groups, and Christian hiring quotas of 90 percent (give of take) for teachers, professors, college administrators and newsrooms. Once again, Christians will need to assume responsibility for the organisations and schools they started, and coercive initiatives will demand that Christians infiltrate and re-imagine secular organisations to conform with biblical values and principles. Fines and criminal charges for profanity, blasphemy, and taking the Lord’s name in vain could be established, and those holding values in contravention of church doctrine should be subject to public ridicule or firing.

When it comes to protecting secular rights, non-believers deserve all the same privileges Christians have enjoyed for so long.