Editor’s note: Once again our friend Tom Bartlett has provided us with a through-the-looking-glass version of reality. In other words, what you are about to read is not only not true, it is the exact opposite of true. Here’s why this is “must reading.” A frighteningly large percentage of Canadians have been brainwashed to believe everything you are about to read. But please don’t view this essay as nothing more than a humorous exercise. This is a wakeup call to stand for the truth. As Paul writes to Timothy, we are “to be gentle to everyone, able to teach, and patient, instructing [our] opponents with gentleness,” so that “Perhaps God will grant them repentance, leading them to the knowledge of the truth” (II Tim. 2:24-25).

By Tom Bartlett

The New York Times recently related the tragic story of Caleb Cain who was rescued from “alt-right” (abbr. for alternative right) media sources which briefly led him along a dark path. Unfortunately, the Times conflates alt-right with trad-con (abbr. for traditional conservative), which is a very different animal. I confess that I too was similarly swept up by not only the siren call of conservatism, but biblical Christianity. Thankfully I have been rescued from the brink and brought back to the quaint familiarity of secular progressivism.

As a caution to any others who may be tempted to swim in these same waters, I offer up my hard-earned wisdom to prevent you from making Caleb Cain’s tragic mistake. To avoid losing years from your life in pursuit of conservative phantasms, it is vital to be regularly reacquainted with the joys of a life grounded in the shifting sands of godless secularism. 

Here we go:

• Don’t be fooled into thinking that character matters. Race, gender, sexual identity and wokeness are what are most important. Remember that it is only when we highlight our differences that we can we be truly united. 

• The family unit is a trap set by the patriarchy to rob women of the freedom to pursue what’s most important in life – career success and sexual autonomy. Marriage and children are obstacles to fulfillment. Sacrificial and unconditional love is for chumps and all men are potential rapists – well, at least the man is a Christ-follower.

• Government is far better qualified to manage our lives and money than we are. Secular values should always be adopted because they are so inclusive while Christian values should always be rejected because they’re exclusive. With no trace of irony, I’ve also learned that Christianity is weak because it lacks the will to compel everyone to knuckle under to their belief system.

• It’s not really greed to want the wealthy to pay for all our services and education because others also benefit by soaking the rich. If government isn’t providing something you want, then that is a denial of your rights. Charity is for losers who lack the political clout to have money funnelled into their pet causes.

• Choice is good when we’re talking about ending a pregnancy, but not for education, health care, private charity, gun ownership, union membership, whimsical regulations, non-approved speech, conscience exceptions, Christmas decorations, Christian businesses practises, codes of conduct for Christian schools, peaceful protest,  or any other aspect of life unrelated to hedonistic pursuits.  

• Truth is relative and, since objective truth claims violate this standard, then subjective truth is more true than genuine truth. No one can tell me my truth is wrong. However, when your truth doesn’t align with mine, that means you are intolerant. 

• Religious freedom means anyone is free to practise their faith at home or at their place of worship—for now. But faith, especially Christian faith, must never intrude upon public consciousness. Churches are positive institutions, but only when they renounce scriptural teaching and adapt completely to the prevailing social gospel as identified by the secular left. This type of enforced accommodation to the zeitgeist is not, however, binding on Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, Sikhs, new agers, or anyone else recognised as sufficiently having no ties to Christianity. Unlike Christians, they don’t have religious privilege, and so are free to practise as they choose. 

• Where white men are concerned, we have surpassed traditional notions of blind justice and innocent until proven guilty because these men are privileged. Social justice is not based on irrelevant factors like wage disparity and unsafe workplaces. Rather, social justice is all about the percentages of various classes and races in prison. Jail populations should be redistributed, and convictions should reflect cultural demographics. Insisting “undocumented citizens” could be guilty of committing crimes is racist since we can’t expect those from backward countries to behave civilly. 

• We on the left are so beyond the days of Jim Crow that we can now recognise segregation is the best way to honour blacks by not forcing them to interact with whites. They naturally feel inferior in the presence of whites, which means we need to promote black achievements so they can feel better about themselves. It’s the least we whites can do for them.

• Censorship of competing opinions is now a social good since we live in a secular culture. Hearing other points of view can be emotionally upsetting and our growth as a society relies on being compassionate enough to not have our thinking challenged and or our equilibriums disrupted.

• Science should never hurt anyone’s feelings. Where the facts may not line up with an individual’s feelings, emotions should be the deciding factor. Eventually the science will follow. In fact, it must follow because science should never hurt anyone’s feelings. We have already determined that Christians rely on blind faith rather than science, so they must be excluded from this conversation altogether. On the other hand, those who don’t believe in God should seek a democratic consensus to determine what constitutes science.

• It is perfectly reasonable to believe in an uncreated, undirected universe that relied on time, matter and chance until everything evolved enough for scientific and natural laws to take over. To deny this would go against natural laws, logic, and reason that developed over millions of years through an entirely random process.

• While counterintuitive to some, seeing oneself as a victim is empowering. Victimhood or privilege are not a product of one’s circumstances, actions, or station in life, but are a product of one’s group and political affiliation. After all, only a liberal has the compassion to recognise a victim, or be a victim, thanks to their acuity in calling out conservatives and Christians for their lack of compassion.

I must confess that the damage inflicted from this brief foray into biblical Christian logic can still cause me to read through these points and think to myself: “This sounds like nonsense.” I’m sure that once I spend more time immersing myself in the CBC and listening to celebrity pundits, the fog will lift and my recovery will finally be complete.