By Colette Aikema

The past few nights I have not slept well. My husband and I spoke over coffee about the issue on the hearts of so many Christians, especially those of us in the apologetics community: Ravi Zacharias, one of the heroes of our faith, was a sexual predator. Christian apologetics, as many of you know, is the field of study dedicated to defending our faith and Zacharias was one of our best apologists. Almost every Christian knew his name and many of us benefited from his work defending biblical truth in a confused culture. 

But I am devastated by this situation not just because I am a full-time Christian apologist myself. I am heartbroken because I, too, was a Christian victim of sexual assault who wasn’t believed. 

I shared with my husband the grief I felt for all the women Zacharias manhandled, sometimes in the name of Jesus; how he even used prayer to manipulate and confuse women into complying with his lustful and impure demands. As I read the Miller and Martin reports, the investigative report commissioned by RZIM, the ministry that Zacharias founded, it brought back my own traumatic memories of sexual assault by men in my church who used me.

‘Some therapists described a process that began with probing conversation and him asking about their families and backgrounds, often delving into deeply personal issues...Another woman reported that he would talk about her career plans and efforts to improve her financial situation while he was massaging her breasts. She never came forward because she thought, “who would believe me” against a famous Christian leader.

I think of this woman and my heart breaks, considering the debilitating nature of sexual sin that goes unconfessed - it hurts both the perpetrator and victim. I also, struggled to come forward and was held back by the lie ‘Who would believe me?’ I told my husband, “If only there had been someone like Nathan the prophet to call him to account like King David. Why couldn’t there have been a Nathan to point to Ravi and say, ‘You are that man?’” 

He responded, ‘Colette, that is because people treated Ravi himself like he was Nathan the prophet.’ As I process these revelations against a man I once admired, I knew he was right. We all need friends, colleagues and even witnesses to confront us with the reality of our situation. This is what we mean by truth - truth is what is real. Whether we are the victim or the perpetrator, the atheist or the Christian apologist, we must not hide from, or stop speaking about, the truth because people need to hear it.

Having been a victim of sexual predation, I know how heavy the burden of truth is to carry. I think especially of how truly sinful and sadistic respected ‘Christian’ individuals and leaders can be. In fact, something that many victims have in common is our inability to come forward - not least because we fear no one will believe us and so nothing may be done. We are also united by the common temptation to toss off this heavy burden by simply denying its existence. Refusing the truth and opting to live in a lie can feel easier than the pain of dealing with what was actually done to us. 

And it is not just victims who feel this strong urge. It is a common response from family and friends of victims and perpetrators, including in Christian communities. It is this broken impulse (by broken, I mean fractured by the Fall) that we have to pay attention to the most in this entire situation. Until we all acknowledge that it feels both easier to believe a lie and that we naturally prefer lies to truth, we will be unable to live in the fullness of Christ. Without Him, believing the lie is easier (also known as justification, present since the first sin) and holding on to it does not seem to hurt anyone (also known as rationalization, present since the first sin as well). This is the reason why victims rarely come forward. We know our listener will naturally prefer not to believe us. But we realize that the alternative is much worse.

One of the reasons I did share my experience though was that I remembered that Jesus was also a victim rejected by many, but not all. He too had a message that exposed people to sin they did not want to confront and many were so upset at Him that they preferred to silence Him rather than be exposed to truth. But His example shows that those open to the truth, regardless of how painful, are willing to listen and ready to defend it. This is why Zacharias’ victims like Lori Anne Thompson or Rachael den Hollander, constantly remind us of our need for truth. Their stories remind us that no matter what we feel about a person or how much we admire them, we must believe facts. Unlike any other group on the planet, Christians have a divine obligation and responsibility to reject lies and speak the truth, because God desires to see the captives set free.

Victims are not the only ones who are affected by this barrier to truth. Perpetrators of sexual sin ask themselves the same questions. ‘Are my Christian friends going to believe me? Are they ready to hear me? Do they actually care about the truth of what I’ve done?’ If we were to discover sexual sin among our Christian leaders, would we be ready to confront them about it? Though all the details have yet to come out about the extent of Zacharias’ scandal, it appears that too many looked the other way. Whether it was the lack of accountability by allowing him a lot of private time with masseuses, or the lack of an in-depth investigation when the allegations first came out (the board of RZIM apparently did not even examine texts on his private phone after Lori Anne Thompson’s allegations became known), too many of his supporters seemed more eager to protect him than seek truth. There are still those believers who have responded to the evidence brought forward against Zacharias by saying they cannot 1) Believe these allegations to be true or 2) See why this is relevant now that Zacharias has died. 

I know how difficult the truth is to articulate because I have had to be confronted myself with my own sin. It involves publicly confessing to the horror of sexual sin and having to use evil words to describe my own evil behaviors. That is a terrifying prospect for everyone. But what’s even more terrifying is not doing it. Imagine for a moment if people like Zacharias, who love God, spent hours on their knees, begging God through tears to send someone to demand the truth of a confession from them. Think of the numerous perpetrators in churches who, like Zacharias, are believed without accountability or confession. And even if they do not ask God for confrontation, how many of them need it anyway? How much less painful would this revelation about Zacharias had been if it was dealt with properly earlier on? How many more women would have been spared abuse? Have we forgotten, as God’s people, that truth requires confession? And confession requires confronting with the truth. What if we are the answer God gives to the prayers of those in bondage in sexual sin? Will we be ready to have these conversations about truth in a willing and confident way? If the answer is no, we have to learn to care more deeply about our believing friends.

The church’s job to call out sin is not new. It is one of the traits that make the Christian worldview so powerful: we believe our entire worldview is true and consistent. We change our beliefs based on facts and do not alter them because of feelings. In contrast, many of our friends refuse to believe truth because the cost is so much higher than they are able or willing to pay. Even those who call themselves Christians often refuse to acknowledge the depths to which our depravity will take us. But believers cannot afford to have this kind of attitude because it is incompatible with living according to the Christian worldview.

It breaks my heart to think that many of Zacharias’ victims could not initially find anyone to take their concerns to except an atheist blogger. Now that it has become public, this scandal, as painful as it is, gives us the opportunity to show non-believers that Christianity is more concerned about the truth than our own reputations. Is this not why the prophets were often ostracized and marginalized by the broader community? They spoke uncomfortable truths. Those who live in Christ know the importance of accepting the truth regardless of how hard it may be. This is why prophets, though often rejected by their culture, were also treasured, honored and listened to by those who mattered, including Jesus Christ Himself.

As a Christian apologist, I do this every day as part of my job. Whether it’s talking about how culture must face its complicity over the loss of the lives of pre-born human beings or my own struggle to resist pornography, I speak about how we all must be confronted with the brokenness of our human hearts.  I find that it’s our vulnerability and honesty that is often the best Christian apologetic for a self-deceived world. Too many would rather cover up their sexual brokenness or insist that you celebrate it, than confronting the truth – that they need God’s help. By openly admitting our own failures and choosing to deal with them, God’s people display another truth: that only Christ is the example we all must follow.

I understand that the same human desire to avoid truth may also lead to false claims meant to harm others. Our own ministry has recently been falsely accused of promoting violence simply for standing up for a biblical view of sexuality. But our willingness to speak truth to others will help here too because the first person we should always confront with truth, is ourselves.  Believers are always one unconfessed sin away from creating systemic abuse like Zacharias. We must always be willing to judge ourselves before we judge others.

I, also, am guilty of perpetrating sexual sin against others through my involvement in porn addiction. A key difference was my willingness to confess my sins. I have found that those who have open, accountable relationships will have protection from false claims of sexual assault. But unconfessed sexual sin always destroys. In fact, maybe the lesson that we most need to learn from what happened is this: Only true ambassadors of Christ understand how vulnerable we are to accepting a lie, and how much we must be willing to sacrifice, to live in the truth. Victims like me must learn to trust that people who wear Jesus’ glasses can be expected to see the truth and live in it without compromise. At Faith Beyond Belief (the apologetics group I work for) we strongly believe that God asks us to be relentless in our pursuit of truth and justice. Who can best advocate for Zacharias’ victims but Christians who are already pursuing truth?

As a victim of sexual assault and a Christian apologist, my heart hurts when I think about the terrible spiritual carnage one man’s sexual sin can cause. And I give thanks, for the millionth time, for the wisdom and kindness of God’s good design for sexuality.  But knowing that Zacharias was guilty and unrepentant, the Christian community and the apologetics community must grapple with the impact of this truth. The months to come will require the Christian community to prayerfully consider the role we played in Zacharias’ predatory behavior. Such sexual devastation ought not to happen in Christian leadership, and we need to rethink traditional Evangelical teachings about sexuality and the role women play in ‘containing’ men. I look forward to seeing how believers humble themselves and do their diligence in preventing, not enabling, such abuse.

In the meantime, my husband and I will be using this scandal to teach our kids about how important it is cling to the truth. We must always be seekers of the truth, which means allowing the opportunity for confession and repentance. We’ll explain to them that we must never put anyone like Zacharias on such a pedestal that we do not demand holiness and truth from them.  And that this demand for truth should be something they apply in their own lives so that they will not follow their own hearts and desires the way Zacharias did. And lastly, we’ll teach them to never fear the truth, because hiding from it will harm everyone. Ultimately, I want them to know that there is only one real Source for truth and what He says can never be ignored.