Fatherhood. More than a Calling
by Ian McKerracher
I have two kids. That, in some important ways, makes me a father. (The response of Corporal “Radar” O’Reilly of MASH 4077 when asked about pregnancy; “We know what causes that now.”) As with a lot of important things, Fatherhood is a term with too many meanings, and we must determine which one we are dealing with when trying to make sense in a conversation about fatherhood. Can you imagine addressing some regal authority as “Sire” which basically means “Father”? Even Paul spoke of God as “Daddy” in his amazing insight of Romans 8. He says, in verse 15, “…you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father” invoking a term of endearment still used today in the language of Aramaic. Fathers are not just sperm donors, establishing some distance to shirk their responsibilities away from these little people created in their image. One of the reasons why that is, is that, collectively, most of us find kids to be fascinating studies and great companions in the examinations of this astounding world in which we live. I love being a dad and my children, now adults with their own kids, are still my friends.
“Fathers are not just sperm donors”
Radical Feminism in the last half of the last century tried to limit the importance of dads in the lives of children. I get that. There are still serious problems in some pockets of society because of the scarcity of good fathers or, in some cases, any fathers at all. Some men have abdicated their responsibilities leading to horrible consequences and providing for the accusations from the feminists to be seen as valid to a point. According to some studies, 60% and more of kids in some demographics are born without a father in their lives. (Read about that here and here) That is clearly a BIG FAIL for men. Thankfully, it is something that we can easily fix by just keeping our pants on. I was committed to wearing those pants in the presence of my lady friend until we were married. After the ceremony, I happily doffed them, with regularity, so I can testify that waiting is doable and even desirable. I was convinced that abstinence until marriage was a good idea and am happy to report that 40+ years into the marriage, I still agree!
A large part of my desire to do things right with my Christian marriage after I was saved was that my experiences with sex before my conversion were not the nicety that was promised. The world of sex at the time was called the “free love” generation. Sex, that wonderful gift from a good God that is the entry point for becoming a father, was eviserated of the beauty and meaning of the marriage act and changed into a pursuit for personal pleasure, almost without a regard for the woman with whom I satisfied myself. My experiences included my first marriage at age 17 because of an untimely pregnancy with a girlfriend and the death of that child because of the rank immaturity of his parents. That “free love” was certainly NOT free, and the awful lie that it is was one of many to be discovered along the way.
“I once read that being a dragon-slayer takes much more than slaying dragons. Dad-ness is the same. ”
Statistically, regardless of the active opposition by certain elements of our culture, being a dad and married to my children’s mother puts me in the majority. In Canada, we often hear that 50% of marriages end in divorce, usually separating dads from their kids. I was surprised to find out that is just not true. While the statistic is a disturbing 38%, according to some, that wasteland still has life in it. In the Evangelical Church it is even significantly less at 28% and we, also, are enjoying a much greater number of marriages. Every time I hear of a wedding or attend nuptials (a little rare now-a-days, obviously), I see it as a cause for celebration of the great attitude of faithful hopefulness. And marriage is, statistically still the most common pathway to parenthood and the making of a dad.
I once read that being a dragon-slayer takes much more than slaying dragons. Dad-ness is the same. Sometimes it DOES require the slaying of the occasional dragon but most times it is just doing what comes natural as we love these amazing little people in our lives. Traditionally, it is the dad who protects and provides. Dads are, ostensibly, the font of knowledge for their kids. The Calvin and Hobbes comic strip expresses that clearly whenever Calvin asked a question of his father. The dad, always quick to provide his son with any information he may ask for, was the go-to guy for Calvin. (Hey Dad, why do we close our eyes when we sneeze?” “Well Calvin, the explosion would force your eyes out of your head and you would have to point them with your hands to see anything.”)
Thank you, Bill Watterson for your deep insight. You are obviously a dad. And that is a great segue into the existence of the main channel through which that knowledge is communicated…Dad jokes! (Hello Hungry. My name is Dad). There is an unwritten rule about dads that we MUST have an unending string of shallow humorous pun-like responses for our kids when they initiate a conversation about anything. It is a source of great amounts of dad-ness.
Something that I find interesting about being a dad is that traditionally, it is the dad who protects and provides. That is an assumption that I had, perhaps held over from earlier cultural norms. The interesting curiosity for me is that I know two families who are close to me who, intentionally, have the husband doing the role of the spouse at home as the wife goes to work. At first, I was quite opposed to the idea (as if I had any input) as I held the vision of me, going off to the battle as my wife and kids wave at me from the window, as a strong mental image and difficult to shake. After watching these families successfully negotiate their way through this life as best they can, I realized that I can enjoy my mental image, created in my stereotype, while being okay with others as they break my mold and pursue their own.
I remember a story of a friend who was playing the board game called The Game of Life with his family. If you have not played the game, it consists of driving around the board in a car with the pink pins for girls and blue for boys, choosing various pathways and having various experiences through which we live in our lifetime. One of my friend’s daughters, sitting in the driver’s seat of the little car, got to the point in the game where she gets married and a blue pin was to be added to the car. She pulled out her pink pin and put it in the passenger’s side and put the blue pin into the driver’s seat, giving my friend a free lesson in stereotypes. Dad drives the car…
“The add-ons that we may include in the design are the things that get us into trouble. ”
Stereotypes are usually born in assumptions that may or may not be set in the concrete of the designs of God. Many who read these blogs of mine may be aware that I believe that there are social laws in the Designs of God in Creation as much as there are the Laws of Physics and Chemistry. Once we understand the design in relationships, we should attempt to follow the pattern. The closer we get to that pattern in our lives, the more benefit we experience in it, regardless of circumstances. That includes all the relationships that we have in all the spheres of our lives. Dad-hood is certainly one of the big relationships that we have. Biblical images of fatherhood even include Our God who, because of his love, had already decided that “through Jesus Christ he would make us his children—this was his pleasure and purpose.” (Eph 1:5 GNT) If we could set a goal to get as close to the design of loving our kids the same way that God loves us, I think we would do well in the Dad department.
So Happy Father’s Day to those to whom the day was planned. I am sure you will enjoy the attention from your kids as they give you presents of whatever things they perceive that you want and that are rarely what you really want. Usually what you want are kids who are healthy, and curious, and who laugh a lot. You want kids who are respectful to the planet, to other people, and to God. You want kids who will hug you a lot as they grow up to disappear into adults and still come around, wanting your company. Being a dragon-slayer is serious business.